A lawyer died and arrived at the pearly gates. To his dismay, there were thousands of people ahead of him in line to see St. Peter. To his surprise, St. Peter left his desk at the gate and came down the long line to where the lawyer was, and greeted him warmly. Then St. Peter and one of his assistants took the lawyer by the hands and guided him up to the front of the line, and into a comfortable chair by his desk. The lawyer said, "I don't mind all this attention, but what makes me so special?" St. Peter replied, "Well, I've added up all the hours for which you billed your clients, and by my calculation you must be about 287 years old!"

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do? Shoot the lawyer. Twice.

George and Harry out in a hot air balloon to cross the Atlantic Ocean. After 37 hours in the air, George says "Harry, we better lose some altitude so we can see where we are". Harry lets out some of the hot air in the balloon, and the balloon descends to below the cloud cover. George says, "I still can't tell where we are, lets ask that guy on the ground". So Harry yells down to the man "Hey, could you tell us where we are?" The man on the ground yells back "You're in a balloon, 100 feet up in the air". George turns to Harry and says "That man must be a lawyer". And Harry says "How can you tell?". George says "Because the advice he gave us is 100% accurate, and totally useless".

A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates. "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer. "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man. "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers. "So," he said, "I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe." Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably. "You, attorney Popescu, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Dumitrescu, gave me $10,000." The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Popescu ... "Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits."

What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer? An offer you can’t understand.

Did you hear about the new microwave lawyer? You spend eight minutes in his office and get billed as if you’d been there eight hours.

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a trainee solicitor monkey please." The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage full of monkeys and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, "That'll be £10,000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred pounds. Why did it cost so much?" The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can do legal research and draft documents very fast, no mistakes, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkeys in another cage. "They're even more expensive! £30,000! What do they do?" "Oh, they're fee earner monkeys; they can answer all legal questions, draft complicated documents from scratch, mark-up agreements, write letters and bill clients. All the difficult, really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey all by itself in a cage of its own, eating a banana. The price tag around its neck read £200,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it do anything yet, but it says it's a partner."

A secretary, a paralegal and a partner in a city law firm are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.

"Me next! Me next!" says the paralegal. "I want to be in Hawaii relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," the Genie says to the partner. The partner says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

An engineer, a physicist, and a lawyer were being interviewed for a position as chief executive officer of a large corporation. The engineer was interviewed first, and was asked a long list of questions, ending with "How much is two plus two?" The engineer excused himself, and made a series of measurements and calculations before returning to the board room and announcing, "Four." The physicist was next interviewed, and was asked the same questions. Again, the last question was, "How much is two plus two?" Before answering the last question, he excused himself, made for the library, and did a great deal of research. After a consultation with the United States Bureau of Standards and many calculations, he also announced, "Four." The lawyer was interviewed last, and again the final question was, "How much is two plus two?" The lawyer drew all the shades in the room, looked outside to see if anyone was there, checked the telephone for listening devices, and then whispered, "How much do you want it to be?"

Lawyer's creed: A person is innocent until proven bankrupt.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle; I'm still a virgin." "What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married ten times?" "Well, Husband #1 was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how great it was going to be. Husband #2 was in Software Services; he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me. Husband #3 was from Field Services; he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up. Husband #4 was in Telemarketing; even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver. Husband #5 was an Engineer; he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method. Husband #6 was from Finance and Administration; he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not. Husband #7 was in Marketing; although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it. Husband #8 was a psychiatrist; all he ever did was talk about it. Husband #9 was a gynaecologist; all he did was look at it. Husband #10 was a stamp collector; all he ever did was...God, I miss him! ...But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!" "Good," said the lawyer, "but, why?" "Duh; you're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

Why are laboratory scientists switching from rats to lawyers for their experiments? 1. lawyers are more plentiful than rats 2. the lab technicians don't get as attached to the lawyers 3. there are some things a rat just won't do 4. neither the animal rights activists nor the human rights activists get all upset about it.

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars. The partner was horrified. "The judge is an honourable man," the partner exclaimed. "If you do that, I can guarantee you will lose the case!" Weeks later the judge ruled in favour of the lawyer's client. The partner took him to lunch to congratulate him. "Aren't you glad you didn't send those cigars to the judge?", the partner asked. But I did send them," replied the lawyer. "I just enclosed the plaintiff's lawyer's business card!"

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane. Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately there were only three parachutes remaining. The doctor grabbed one and said "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live," and jumped out. The lawyer then said, "I'm the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped. The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace". The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my back pack."

Three lawyers and three accountants got on the train in New York to go to a convention in DC. The three accountants bought a ticket each, but the three lawyers bought only one ticket between them. The accountants commented on the illegality of their action but the lawyers said, "Trust us--we're lawyers." When the conductor entered the end of the car to collect the tickets, the three lawyers got up and all went into the bathroom together. When the conductor knocked on the bathroom door, a hand shot out with the one ticket, which the conductor duly cancelled. On returning to their seats the three accountants expressed admiration for such a clever trick. "Well," they said modestly, "we ARE lawyers." After the convention they all entered Union Station for the return trip home to New York. This time the accountants bought one ticket between them, while the lawyers did not buy any tickets at all. The accountants were amazed and said so. "Trust us," the three said. "We're lawyers." When the conductor arrived, the three accountants quickly jumped up and went into the bathroom. As soon as the door closed, the three lawyers got up and headed for the adjoining bathroom. As the last lawyer went by the accountant's bathroom, he knocked on the door. A hand shot out with the ticket, which the lawyer quickly grabbed before entering the other bathroom.

What do you call 10,000 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean? A good start. (Unless you are an environmentalist; then you would consider this indiscriminate dumping of hazardous waste.)

Lawyers for John duPont think they have found solid grounds for an appeal of his murder conviction. They have discovered that he still has a lot of money.

What's the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer? A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.

What's the difference between an accountant and a lawyer? Accountants know they're boring.

A man walking along the beach found a bottle. When he rubbed it, lo and behold, a genie appeared. "I will grant you three wishes," announced the genie. "But there is one condition. I am a lawyer's genie. That means that for every wish you make, every lawyer in the world gets the wish as well - only double." The man thought about this for a while. "For my first wish, I would like ten million dollars," he announced. Instantly the genie gave him a Swiss bank account number and assured the man that $10,000,000 had been deposited. "But every lawyer in the world has just received $20,000,000," the genie said. "I've always wanted a Ferrari," the man said. "That's my second wish." Instantly a Ferrari appeared. "But every lawyer in the world has just received two Ferraris," the genie said. "And what is your last wish?" "Well," said the man, "I've always wanted to donate a kidney for transplant."
The lawyer's son wanted to follow in his father's footsteps, so he went to law school. He graduated with honours, and then went home to join his father's firm. At the end of his first day at work he rushed into his father's office, and said, "Father, father, in one day I broke the accident case that you've been working on for ten years!" His father responded: "You idiot, we lived on the funding of that case for ten years!"
Your attorney and your mother-in-law are trapped in a burning building. You only have time to save only one of them. Do you have lunch or go to a movie?
Q: Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
A: To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a catfish? One's an ugly, scum sucking bottom-feeder and the other is a fish.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech? A leech quits sucking your blood after you die.

What's the difference between a lawyer and a vampire? A vampire only sucks blood at night.

What's the difference between a lawyer on a Harley and a vacuum cleaner? The vacuum has the dirt bag on the inside.

What did the lawyer name his daughter? Sue. And his son? Bill.

What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law before the criminal gets arrested? An accomplice. What do you call a person who assists a criminal in breaking the law after the criminal gets arrested? A lawyer.

How many attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? How many can you afford?

How many divorce attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? It only takes one divorce attorney to change your light bulb to his light bulb.

How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb? Three ... one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.

Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it? The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

Why does California have the most lawyers, and New Jersey, the most toxic waste dumps? New Jersey got first pick.

Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. "Look," said one, "let's be honest with each other." "Okay, you first," replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.

A physician, an engineer, and an attorney were discussing who among them belonged to the oldest of the three professions represented. The physician said, "Remember, on the sixth day God took a rib from Adam and fashioned Eve, making him the first surgeon. Therefore, medicine is the oldest profession." The engineer replied, "But, before that, God created the heavens and earth from chaos and confusion, and thus he was the first engineer. Therefore, engineering is an older profession than medicine." Then, the lawyer spoke up. "Yes," he said, "But who do you think created all of the chaos and confusion?"

A man went into the Chamber of Commerce of a small town, obviously desperate. He asked the man at the counter, "Is there a criminal attorney in town?" The man replied, "Yes - but we can't prove it yet."

The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity." The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?", he asked.

As Mr. Smith was on his death bed, he attempted to formulate a plan that would allow him to take at least some of his considerable wealth with him. He called for the three men he trusted most - his lawyer, his doctor, and his clergyman. He told them, "I'm going to give you each $30,000 in cash before I die. At my funeral, I want you to place the money in my coffin so that I can try to take it with me." All three agreed to do this and were given the money. At the funeral, each approached the coffin in turn and placed an envelope inside. While riding in the limousine back from the cemetery, the clergyman said, "I have to confess something to you fellows. Brother Smith was a good churchman all his life, and I know he would have wanted me to do this. The church needed a new baptistery very badly, and I took $10,000 of the money he gave me and bought one. I only put $20,000 in the coffin." The physician then said, "Well, since we're confiding in one another, I might as well tell you that I didn't put the full $30,000 in the coffin either. Smith had a disease that could have been diagnosed sooner if I had this very new machine, but the machine cost $20,000 and I couldn't afford it then. I used $20,000 of the money to buy the machine so that I might be able to save another patient. I know that Smith would have wanted me to do that." The lawyer then said, "I'm ashamed of both of you. When I put my envelope into that coffin, it held my personal check for the full $30,000."

A countryman between two lawyers is like a fish between two cats. (Benjamin Franklin)